I have nothing to add to the list of 10. I think that's a great summary of issues and explanations.
On the matchmaking bit, what I'd add it's really important to not just throw every single man/woman at your single friend you're trying to matchmake. Be serious about it. If you wouldn't just readily be a suitable mate for 10 random women/men (or vice versa), then why would your single friend be? Take serious notice of your friend and what his or her preferences and disposition are and THEN make a more selective intro. Single people are not simply male and female fungible goods like grains of corn.
For the second, I'm not sure what you mean Bethel in terms of "our work." If it's strictly career in nature, I'd disagree, but if "work" includes that which involves pouring into others' lives, but not having children of one's own, then I would agree with you. I do think there are avenues for spiritual fathers and mothers within the church to have outsized effects on others' lives across generations, though being at the risk of the church just bundling all of the misfits together to solve each others' problems so the normal folks can keep getting along smoothly.
😂 Love this response! In Austen’s world, I agree with you. But modern life invites a different kind of complementarity, I’ve found.
I think Bingley would quickly cherish a wife who thought to insist on 3 quotes from different home builders or a second opinion from a doctor. And I can also attest to the gratitude that comes with delivering babies next to a husband who truly would not notice if my petticoat were 6 inches deep in mud.
I realize that my situation is particular, but I do try to share this insight with women who remind me of myself. 🩵
I like the advice for those of us who are married to help our single friends and family, the one thing that I've experienced as a barrier here is a feeling of guilt on my end. When I'm speaking with a single friend torn between wanting so badly to be loved and being so tired of the chase that they just want to swear off love forever, I find myself having to walk this tightrope of encouraging them that marriage is good, but also wanting to hide the happiness my marriage has brought me. Like I'm going to drive them deeper into despair if I sing the praises of the married life and the way it's changed me. I also may be too socially awkward and slightly autistic to see the faults in a lot of my single friends that might be preventing them from finding a wife. A lot of the time I'm struggling to understand why they haven't, to me they seem like incredibly good men with solid life prospects, far better than I looked when my wife found me. It just seems unfair that I found a good women and they just can't seem to. The tightrope walk of encouraging marriage as a good without making them more sad that they can't seem to attain it is just crushing in and of itself.
I will say speaking as a single person that if the single person is driven to despair by hearing someone talk genuinely about the joy of their marriage, the single person needs to do a bit of soul work. Unless the married person is being obnoxious about it somehow, lol. And if he's coming to *you* to hear you opine about this stuff, then it shouldn't be a shock to the system if you discuss what it's like to be married!
Yeah, some guys do have some stuff to overcome in the social skills department. As a woman I try to leave men to drop most of the truth bombs there though. :D And women just are extremely choosy in any event.
@Bethel McGrew I agree, but would say it needs to be a lot of soul work.
I’ll never forget a former friend in her early 20s who was incredibly bitter and “triggered” by her close friends who’d just gotten married being even slightly cuddly or even holding hands around her because she hadn’t had romantic success. It was one of the worst examples of envy and jealousy I’d ever seen.
Marrieds who envy their single friends and singles who envy their marrieds need to repent. Mourning loss of freedoms from singleness or mourning the companionship of marriage are legitimate, but must be restrained and offset with the genuine rejoicing in others’ lives.
——
Speaking on the positive side and writing as a single, the older I get the more important I think it is to weep with them in their sorrows and deeply rejoice in others’ blessings. When you actually get to know someone in a different stage or aspect of life, you learn that there’s the same degrees of challenges in married vs. single; they’re just different types.
There are married folks that cut off their single friends (or get cut off by foolish small group rules), but I think foundationally, those in each category need to show care for the other and learn where each is burdened and more importantly, singles can pray for marrieds and marrieds can pray for singles in articulate and healthy ways. They can also rejoice in and be a great blessing to each other in wonderfully asymmetrical yet equitable ways.
——
To @Jacob Brown , what I would encourage is to be a family with an open hand towards your brothers and sisters. Drawing from the Epistle to Diognetus (Chapter 5 - https://www.newadvent.org/fathers/0101.htm), share an open table and provide a warm hospitable life and home for your single friends (and marrieds too). Some of the finest people in the world I’ve ever known are the singles, couples, and families with open hands, hearts, and homes. And they don’t care whether someone’s single or married, rich or poor, old or young. Singles’ pain is real, but so is marrieds’ pain. Each side’s joys are ALSO real and to be celebrated.
I would also encourage your single friends to use the time, flexibility, and blessings they have for the glory of God, especially to reach into areas and capacities that you cannot. You can’t drop everything to spend time with someone who just faced a massive loss or even had a big gain. Cheer them on in that and looking to serve flexibly where they can.
Quick win: don’t let singles or couples that can’t make it home for the holidays eat alone. Invite them to your celebration, or to one on a nearby day as a proper celebration and not just a consolation prize.
While I think this is a fantastic, insightful list, there's a pattern I've observed among Christian singles I've met. Among those who are single and between 30 and 50, there's almost always a significant, observable reason why they are single. For example, I went to a 35+ Christian singles Christmas party late last year and met about a dozen single men there. I could tell within five minutes of our introduction why every one of those men was single. With the women, it's often less obvious but if you scratch below the surface, there's usually an substantial reason why they've remained single. I say this as a long-term single man, there's reasons why I'm single too.
With your sixth point - pickiness - isn't this a result of the increasing influence of expressive individualism? Christians and churches have definitely been influenced by this movement, in spite the fact that it's largely opposite to the Gospel message. I've spoken to older Christians about our present dating woes in the church and they've told me our expectations of a mate are way too specific and niche compared to previous generations.
How about reason 11: People don’t want to be married? That’s ok. The dating app thing has a big impact I am sure. But I think a reason you mention that we can sometimes underestimate is the scars from seeing parents divorced, being unhappy, and the impact of that. Why be married if it seemed like your parents were always miserable when they were married?
Divorced parents will for sure leave its own kind of scar. But I do think it's a mistake to let that forever taint your view of marriage as an institution.
I have been trying to come up with a profound response to your reply. I have failed so I will just say can we really divorce (no pun intended) personal experience from the institution without some serious work? Not talking therapy necessarily but I don’t hear enough convincing arguments that marriage works.
I guess you'd need to expand on what you mean by "works." Of course it doesn't "work" in the sense that magic fairy dust falls on every couple and guarantees things won't fall apart. But it's a good thing for individuals and for civilization, and worth pursuing thoughtfully with eyes open.
Thanks for the reply. I hope my response didn’t come off as belligerent in any way. By works I mean that you can get married, say til death do us part, and live a good life with that person for as long as you live. People need to be convinced that can actually happen.
Well obviously there are many happy couples who do exactly that. But as you're saying if the one example you were up closest to ended in tragedy that can present a psychological barrier. I'm sympathetic to the psychological problem but it shouldn't be confused with reality.
I have nothing to add to the list of 10. I think that's a great summary of issues and explanations.
On the matchmaking bit, what I'd add it's really important to not just throw every single man/woman at your single friend you're trying to matchmake. Be serious about it. If you wouldn't just readily be a suitable mate for 10 random women/men (or vice versa), then why would your single friend be? Take serious notice of your friend and what his or her preferences and disposition are and THEN make a more selective intro. Single people are not simply male and female fungible goods like grains of corn.
For the second, I'm not sure what you mean Bethel in terms of "our work." If it's strictly career in nature, I'd disagree, but if "work" includes that which involves pouring into others' lives, but not having children of one's own, then I would agree with you. I do think there are avenues for spiritual fathers and mothers within the church to have outsized effects on others' lives across generations, though being at the risk of the church just bundling all of the misfits together to solve each others' problems so the normal folks can keep getting along smoothly.
Bethel, thank you for your honesty and insights. I have been pondering these matters for decades, and some of my conclusions can be found here: https://www.touchstonemag.com/archives/article.php?id=31-06-020-v
I so appreciate this article! 🩵 Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability.
The only small bit of advice I would like to offer comes from my sense that I’m speaking as one Elizabeth Bennet to another…
Consider the felicity you might find with Bingley :) I thought I needed Darcy, but I was quite mistaken. 🥰
Thank you. And I know what you're saying. :) If I can put it this way though, I don't think that would be quite fair to Bingley. Bingley needs a Jane.
😂 Love this response! In Austen’s world, I agree with you. But modern life invites a different kind of complementarity, I’ve found.
I think Bingley would quickly cherish a wife who thought to insist on 3 quotes from different home builders or a second opinion from a doctor. And I can also attest to the gratitude that comes with delivering babies next to a husband who truly would not notice if my petticoat were 6 inches deep in mud.
I realize that my situation is particular, but I do try to share this insight with women who remind me of myself. 🩵
Great piece Bethel.
- signed, one of your single Christian friends :)
I like the advice for those of us who are married to help our single friends and family, the one thing that I've experienced as a barrier here is a feeling of guilt on my end. When I'm speaking with a single friend torn between wanting so badly to be loved and being so tired of the chase that they just want to swear off love forever, I find myself having to walk this tightrope of encouraging them that marriage is good, but also wanting to hide the happiness my marriage has brought me. Like I'm going to drive them deeper into despair if I sing the praises of the married life and the way it's changed me. I also may be too socially awkward and slightly autistic to see the faults in a lot of my single friends that might be preventing them from finding a wife. A lot of the time I'm struggling to understand why they haven't, to me they seem like incredibly good men with solid life prospects, far better than I looked when my wife found me. It just seems unfair that I found a good women and they just can't seem to. The tightrope walk of encouraging marriage as a good without making them more sad that they can't seem to attain it is just crushing in and of itself.
I will say speaking as a single person that if the single person is driven to despair by hearing someone talk genuinely about the joy of their marriage, the single person needs to do a bit of soul work. Unless the married person is being obnoxious about it somehow, lol. And if he's coming to *you* to hear you opine about this stuff, then it shouldn't be a shock to the system if you discuss what it's like to be married!
Yeah, some guys do have some stuff to overcome in the social skills department. As a woman I try to leave men to drop most of the truth bombs there though. :D And women just are extremely choosy in any event.
@Bethel McGrew I agree, but would say it needs to be a lot of soul work.
I’ll never forget a former friend in her early 20s who was incredibly bitter and “triggered” by her close friends who’d just gotten married being even slightly cuddly or even holding hands around her because she hadn’t had romantic success. It was one of the worst examples of envy and jealousy I’d ever seen.
Marrieds who envy their single friends and singles who envy their marrieds need to repent. Mourning loss of freedoms from singleness or mourning the companionship of marriage are legitimate, but must be restrained and offset with the genuine rejoicing in others’ lives.
——
Speaking on the positive side and writing as a single, the older I get the more important I think it is to weep with them in their sorrows and deeply rejoice in others’ blessings. When you actually get to know someone in a different stage or aspect of life, you learn that there’s the same degrees of challenges in married vs. single; they’re just different types.
There are married folks that cut off their single friends (or get cut off by foolish small group rules), but I think foundationally, those in each category need to show care for the other and learn where each is burdened and more importantly, singles can pray for marrieds and marrieds can pray for singles in articulate and healthy ways. They can also rejoice in and be a great blessing to each other in wonderfully asymmetrical yet equitable ways.
——
To @Jacob Brown , what I would encourage is to be a family with an open hand towards your brothers and sisters. Drawing from the Epistle to Diognetus (Chapter 5 - https://www.newadvent.org/fathers/0101.htm), share an open table and provide a warm hospitable life and home for your single friends (and marrieds too). Some of the finest people in the world I’ve ever known are the singles, couples, and families with open hands, hearts, and homes. And they don’t care whether someone’s single or married, rich or poor, old or young. Singles’ pain is real, but so is marrieds’ pain. Each side’s joys are ALSO real and to be celebrated.
I would also encourage your single friends to use the time, flexibility, and blessings they have for the glory of God, especially to reach into areas and capacities that you cannot. You can’t drop everything to spend time with someone who just faced a massive loss or even had a big gain. Cheer them on in that and looking to serve flexibly where they can.
Quick win: don’t let singles or couples that can’t make it home for the holidays eat alone. Invite them to your celebration, or to one on a nearby day as a proper celebration and not just a consolation prize.
While I think this is a fantastic, insightful list, there's a pattern I've observed among Christian singles I've met. Among those who are single and between 30 and 50, there's almost always a significant, observable reason why they are single. For example, I went to a 35+ Christian singles Christmas party late last year and met about a dozen single men there. I could tell within five minutes of our introduction why every one of those men was single. With the women, it's often less obvious but if you scratch below the surface, there's usually an substantial reason why they've remained single. I say this as a long-term single man, there's reasons why I'm single too.
With your sixth point - pickiness - isn't this a result of the increasing influence of expressive individualism? Christians and churches have definitely been influenced by this movement, in spite the fact that it's largely opposite to the Gospel message. I've spoken to older Christians about our present dating woes in the church and they've told me our expectations of a mate are way too specific and niche compared to previous generations.
How about reason 11: People don’t want to be married? That’s ok. The dating app thing has a big impact I am sure. But I think a reason you mention that we can sometimes underestimate is the scars from seeing parents divorced, being unhappy, and the impact of that. Why be married if it seemed like your parents were always miserable when they were married?
Divorced parents will for sure leave its own kind of scar. But I do think it's a mistake to let that forever taint your view of marriage as an institution.
I have been trying to come up with a profound response to your reply. I have failed so I will just say can we really divorce (no pun intended) personal experience from the institution without some serious work? Not talking therapy necessarily but I don’t hear enough convincing arguments that marriage works.
I guess you'd need to expand on what you mean by "works." Of course it doesn't "work" in the sense that magic fairy dust falls on every couple and guarantees things won't fall apart. But it's a good thing for individuals and for civilization, and worth pursuing thoughtfully with eyes open.
Thanks for the reply. I hope my response didn’t come off as belligerent in any way. By works I mean that you can get married, say til death do us part, and live a good life with that person for as long as you live. People need to be convinced that can actually happen.
Well obviously there are many happy couples who do exactly that. But as you're saying if the one example you were up closest to ended in tragedy that can present a psychological barrier. I'm sympathetic to the psychological problem but it shouldn't be confused with reality.
"I'm glad that I'm not young anymore" --Honoré Lachaille